The modern face of sexual guilt...
Rather than admit she's also a human being with natural sexual urges, she tells herself lies - and that's where the problems really begin
Some old-fashioned notions about sex have proved much harder to shed than others. The one about nice girls not losing their virginity until their wedding night was discarded a lot more easily than the one about "nice" girls not enjoying sex simply for the sex.
Even today's sexually liberated woman isn't always comfortable admitting that's a possibility. Women still have a lot more "shoulds" in their attitudes to sex than men. Some women admit they can enjoy "meaningless" sex - but then hate themselves for being "slutty". Many women don't feel entitled to pleasure.
A woman has to start from the premise that she has a right to enjoy sex and she is responsible for her sex life. If deep down in your soul you don't feel that you are entitled to pleasure, you're going to experiece guilt - and probably engage in sexual behaviour that isn't in your own best interest.
But figuring out where you stand involves a long and tough confrontation with all the past voices that formed your current value system. Not all women are able to accept their own sexual histories.
Some try to wipe them out by presenting an innocent, conservative image - often because they want to reinvent themselves for a new man. Beth*, 32, now married to a respected businessman, admits to being a "secondary virgin".
She does not think her husband would be horrified by her wild past, she keeps it from him for her own sake. "I don't want to think of myself as the person who lived that life. I draw a line between that free spirit and the woman I am tday."
Such denial of the past is psychologically risky. There's nothing wrong with changing your life, but don't pretend you're 2 people. We are the sum of all our experiences. And we never need to acknowledge all of them. It's not about telling your partner every detail. We're talking about self-acceptance, and acknowledging sexual experience is part of that.
Tough guilt is usually pointless and self-defeating, it can serve as a warning sign. There's a big difference between feeling guilty and feeling bad. It's easier for many women to experience unhappines in a relationship than admit something is very wrong with it.
So if a man keeps pushing a woman to experiment sexually, she may dismiss her unease as "prudishness" when in fact it's a sign that his behaviour has become unacceptable to her.
You need to ask yourself why you're feeling guilty. Are you doing something that makes you unhappy, that violates your sense of right and wrong? That kind of guilt can be useful.
But if you're feeling guilty about something that isn't hurting you or anyone else, you may be listening to voices from the past or worrying more about what other people think than what you believe and want.
* Names have been changed.
